Katharine Leslie seminar - Relationships (Cont.)

Sick of all this Katharine Leslie stuff yet? Sorry, but it was a 2-day seminar so had a ton of info crammed into it. (This post is a continuation of another post, Relationships.)

There are 3 types of Relationships.

1. Hierarchical (like boss-employee) - power is top-down.
2. Intimate (romantic or friendship) - power is shared
3. Combination (parent-child) - power is both top-down and shared.

So how do Relationship Functions work?

1. Hierarchical (like boss-employee) - Exchange service for $$ (overt and concrete)
2. Intimate (romantic or friendship) - Correspondent exchange of service for service 
3. Combination (parent-child) - Complementary exchange of service for service

Relationships require a mutual satisfaction of needs.

Let me say that again.

Relationships require a mutual satisfaction of needs!

Correspondent vs Complementary
How a relationship works is about how needs are mutually satisfied (Reciprocity).

Correspondent Reciprocity - similar or equal meeting of needs. For example, two friends might agree to pay for lunch on alternate Fridays. ("You pay this time, I'll get it next time.").

50% + 50% = 100%

Relationships require a mutual satisfaction of needs 

- but it doesn't have to be equal.

Complementary Reciprocity - acts/parts that complete each other and create a whole - different outcomes, but of equal and fair value to the individuals. 

 90%+10%=100% or 75% +25%=100% or...

For example, 90%+10%=100% - the parent feeds, clothes, changes, and plays with the child. The child returns this with attaching behaviors such as smiling, hugs, and cooing. Both parent and child are content with this arrangement.

75% +25%=100% example - a parent gives an older teen $100 for his/her birthday. Both are equally comfortable with this exchange. However, if the child gives the parent $100 for the parent's birthday, the parent might find this offensive/uncomfortable. If the child calls the parent and wishes him/her "Happy Birthday!", or sends a thoughtful card and/or small gift, then this would feel equal and fair by both parent and child.

Combination Reciprocity - An intimate relationship (like a marriage) is usually a combination of both correspondent and complementary reciprocity. Status quo tends to be 50%/50% (although some people might say 100%/100%); however, in a healthy relationship, there will be times when one partner supports the other through a tough time. {Marriage - Keeping It Together}

No Reciprocity - if one person's needs are not met then it is not a relationship! Instead, it is draining, frustrating, and resentment building for the parent. The child is a bottomless pit and not learning how to have relationships. In addition, the child will NOT feel loved until he/she learns to give!

Parent-Child Relationships are different from other types of relationships, because (most of the time):

• the parents and children do not have the option to "exit" the relationship and seek out alternatives.
• they are highly complex because they combine both hierarchical and intimate relationships.

P-C Relationship Characteristics:

• Permanence/Involuntary Membership - you don't get a choice in parent or child (well, kind of in adoption on the parents' part, but once chosen you don't get to just leave if you feel like it)
• Long-term Physical Proximity -living together
• Dependency (physical and emotional) - we affect each other's identity. Parenthood is a huge part of our identity and it is fragile. We are strongly affected by our child's behavior.
• Huge Inequality of Power.

If the functioning of the P-C relationship goes wrong:

• Superficially love and connect only or primarily to self
• Isolate from the pack
• Feel/create feeling of entitlement
• Act unpredictable, unstable 
• Don't feel safe {Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?}
• Competition for resources
• Emotional drain on parent (and child) {Self-Care, Handling Continuous Traumatic Stress/Caregiver Fatigue}

RAD kids, in other words, have a social relationship disability:

• They do not reciprocate
• They perceive the world as hostile
• They do not know what to do with parents
• Living with "families" is often terrifying to them and they are unable to embrace, assimilate, or mimic positive family interactions.
• They have more intense, frequent, longer-lasting, less tractable behavior problems than securely attached children
• Even with the best of interventions not all weakness can be repaired/healed nor capacities reached {You Have Not Failed!}

The P-C relationship is NOT WORKING! Guess where RAD kids fall in this? Yup! Incapable of maintaining relationships, and yet the parents are being told all the children need is love and they (the parents) should continue to provide for their child without expectations of return. If we do not work toward the child being able to give back then we are victimizing them!

So what do we do and where do we start?

Children with attachment issues canNOT start with a complementary relationship. They must start with correspondent (50%/50%) and HOPEFULLY, they can move to complementary.

We must teach the child how to reciprocate, and help them practice, practice, practice the "giving" behaviors. 

Attachment-challenged children can't be expected to act on what they do not know/understand. Coaching our children to reciprocate both in behavior and words prevents the replay of their old system (love=abuse) and encourages the development of a new healthier system. Non-attachment challenged children can learn from modeling (watching others do things). Attachment challenged children canNOT! They need to learn from rehearsal.

We must place equal value on both the parent's and child's needs (if parent's needs are not met they will feel burnt out and resentful toward the child which thwarts the therapeutic process).{Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage (or relationship), Your Family As A Whole, And Your Child - In That Order!}

Radish: "You love V. (a sibling) best."
(reality: V is showing the most attachment behaviors)
Parent: "Who loves Mommy best? You could love me too. I have plenty of room."

Coach them how to do that! We have to reflect back to the child what his or her behavior evokes. A child not taught how to meet parental needs will likely lack the desire and skills to meet the needs of all others. As a result, they will miss out on the benefits and gifts of a relationship.

Unconditional love is what gets women abused.
Unconditional caregiving can slowly develop into "falling in love with Mom."

Family-Friendly Behaviors (aka RRHAFTBALL)

• Shares Parents' Values
• Elicits Positive Attention from Parents
• Asks for Parental Help and Comfort
• Is Caring and Thoughtful of Parent
• Demonstrates Trust in Parent
• Is Fun to Be Around
• Expresses Love and Affection with the Parent

Next post - Building a Relationship!